Confession 3
There are some downfalls to being what I am, such as tiredness. Life's a long journey for the normal man but when your constantly up and down that journey is a lot harder. I am currently a student and student athlete and I love where i'm at but there is little isolation. All humans have something that is called a defense mechanism and my confession is that mine is isolation. I know i'm not alone when I say isolation is what keeps me sane. The thing is though a lot of people don't understand why we need isolation. I am bombarded with teammates and fellow students constantly asking why I am a hermit and why I don't like to party or go to bars. I can easily and do say things such as I can't afford it and usually that is what I say but realistically I love to be in my own mind. When I go out its easy for me to forget who I am because I try to impress or whatever the circumstance may be and that's not me. Alcohol has put me into a psych ward which was probably a good thing but I just hope people will understand. Maybe its a maturity thing that separates us... Now I'm not saying I just sit in my room all day and do nothing because that's not what happens. I am lively during the day and go to class, jump around on the field, and then do some homework. Then I might turn off my lights and grab my guitar and just meditate. Meditating is one thing that helps me stabilize my ups and downs. Lastly I love to just think. I don't think about women, parties, or anything in those lines but instead I love to think about God, politics, and anything else I find fascinating. This thinking thing is supposedly a bipolar affect but I love it! My mind raises with so many thoughts that how can I be bored? I hope Y'all enjoyed the read, leave a comment or like and have a blessed day.
Saturday, February 7, 2015
Thursday, February 5, 2015
Confession 2
The alarm sounded at 7:33 and I rolled my head to try to hide from the sound. It happened to be one of the restless nights that is common with this disorder. I will go to sleep at a normal hour but then wake up 2 or 3 times during the night and not be able to go back to sleep. Eventually I surrendered to my alarm and decided to get ready for what would be a cold day in Poplarville, Mississippi. Now mania is a term used for when we reach what we call our high. This is also described as free cocaine because when it hits nothing is stopping us. There was one time a few years back I hit this high and I kid you not, I worked out for a good 5 hours. The best way I can describe it to you is with one term and that term is invincibility. Today, I got some free cocaine and not from the guy down the street but from a chemical imbalance. The first thing on my list was to take a test but y'all don't want to hear about that... I drive a United Motors motorcycle and some days its to cold to really test the power but today it started right up. This invincibility kicked in right when my butt touched that seat. I revved it a few times and when I got to the high way I got to see what it had. I only took it sixty but my destination was less then two tenths of a mile. After I finished my motorcycle fiasco I had really had nothing else but practice today. Although as i'm writing this blog thinking about if y'all will like it our not I do have a thought for you all. There are 1.2 million people with bipolar and most likely you may know one or two. When they reach this manic stage help them make some good choices. Spending sprees are very common and not just that but some times we feel like superman and until someone brings us down to earth something could happen. I look forward to a more eventful day tomorrow and a more entertaining post.
God Bless
The alarm sounded at 7:33 and I rolled my head to try to hide from the sound. It happened to be one of the restless nights that is common with this disorder. I will go to sleep at a normal hour but then wake up 2 or 3 times during the night and not be able to go back to sleep. Eventually I surrendered to my alarm and decided to get ready for what would be a cold day in Poplarville, Mississippi. Now mania is a term used for when we reach what we call our high. This is also described as free cocaine because when it hits nothing is stopping us. There was one time a few years back I hit this high and I kid you not, I worked out for a good 5 hours. The best way I can describe it to you is with one term and that term is invincibility. Today, I got some free cocaine and not from the guy down the street but from a chemical imbalance. The first thing on my list was to take a test but y'all don't want to hear about that... I drive a United Motors motorcycle and some days its to cold to really test the power but today it started right up. This invincibility kicked in right when my butt touched that seat. I revved it a few times and when I got to the high way I got to see what it had. I only took it sixty but my destination was less then two tenths of a mile. After I finished my motorcycle fiasco I had really had nothing else but practice today. Although as i'm writing this blog thinking about if y'all will like it our not I do have a thought for you all. There are 1.2 million people with bipolar and most likely you may know one or two. When they reach this manic stage help them make some good choices. Spending sprees are very common and not just that but some times we feel like superman and until someone brings us down to earth something could happen. I look forward to a more eventful day tomorrow and a more entertaining post.
God Bless
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Confession 1 cont.
One cold winter night in Boise, Idaho I was walking to my car from work. To my amazement I saw my body from college, wearing shorts and a t-shirt. I walk up to him and ask whats wrong but he said that the cops are watching him and sure enough they were and the guys he was with ditched him. I talked to the cop and he let me take him back to school. Stinking of alcohol I told him that he was fine and that I would take him back to the dorms. The issue was that it began to snow and while going 60 mph on the high way my truck started to slide until i lost all control and we slammed head on into a cement wall. I wasn't wearing a seat belt but I was fine and about 30 minutes later a cop showed up and rewarded me with a 90 dollar ticket. With bipolar we have what they being the psych society call triggers. Finances is definitely one of my triggers and this accident drove me into a deep depression. I lost my truck and couldn't afford rent. Now I faced a car payment on top of that and with that being said I had to move back home. I bought a mustang about a month later and saved enough money to trick it out. While working at the same job as the one I mentioned early, I decided to drink and drive. After work we all went to the bars and had a splendid time but when I drove home I ran my car off the road and damaged it pretty severely. I road two miles on a rim and that ended up tearing up the side of my car due to sparks. That night I attempted suicide for the last time. I took 40000 mg of my medication and 15 ib's. My mom woke up the next morning feeling sick so she decided to stay home. She came in my room seeing me puking on myself and said that I needed to move out. My living situation at the time was sad. I lived in a storage room where one could hardly even make it to the bed because of boxes and such. She came into my room an hour later and again found me puking but then saw all the pills and called 911. They took me to the hospital where I spent a night and then they took me to the psych ward. The ward has a lot of bad publicity when really this place was awesome. I was around crazy people like me and the food was unbelievable. Who doesn't want some bacon wrapped hotdogs!? I spent three days there and then got released and it happened to be on the day of the superbowl. When I got home I found my storage room turned into one of the coolest rooms I've ever seen. My parents put a lot of work to make it awesome looking and got me a puppy. Brees is my BorderAussie and while my parents have him now since i'm at college, I love that dog more than I love a lot of people. I got a job as a Freshman baseball coach and it was here I found out that I still love baseball. I started emailing coaches and one was PRCC in Mississippi and sure enough they called 5 minutes after I sent the email. That is where my story is still moving forward. I picked up my board and I walked up that mountain and I will reach the top and find that beautiful girl. So If you like what you read, keep on reading!!! I will be adding one daily. Write a comment or just keep on coming.
One cold winter night in Boise, Idaho I was walking to my car from work. To my amazement I saw my body from college, wearing shorts and a t-shirt. I walk up to him and ask whats wrong but he said that the cops are watching him and sure enough they were and the guys he was with ditched him. I talked to the cop and he let me take him back to school. Stinking of alcohol I told him that he was fine and that I would take him back to the dorms. The issue was that it began to snow and while going 60 mph on the high way my truck started to slide until i lost all control and we slammed head on into a cement wall. I wasn't wearing a seat belt but I was fine and about 30 minutes later a cop showed up and rewarded me with a 90 dollar ticket. With bipolar we have what they being the psych society call triggers. Finances is definitely one of my triggers and this accident drove me into a deep depression. I lost my truck and couldn't afford rent. Now I faced a car payment on top of that and with that being said I had to move back home. I bought a mustang about a month later and saved enough money to trick it out. While working at the same job as the one I mentioned early, I decided to drink and drive. After work we all went to the bars and had a splendid time but when I drove home I ran my car off the road and damaged it pretty severely. I road two miles on a rim and that ended up tearing up the side of my car due to sparks. That night I attempted suicide for the last time. I took 40000 mg of my medication and 15 ib's. My mom woke up the next morning feeling sick so she decided to stay home. She came in my room seeing me puking on myself and said that I needed to move out. My living situation at the time was sad. I lived in a storage room where one could hardly even make it to the bed because of boxes and such. She came into my room an hour later and again found me puking but then saw all the pills and called 911. They took me to the hospital where I spent a night and then they took me to the psych ward. The ward has a lot of bad publicity when really this place was awesome. I was around crazy people like me and the food was unbelievable. Who doesn't want some bacon wrapped hotdogs!? I spent three days there and then got released and it happened to be on the day of the superbowl. When I got home I found my storage room turned into one of the coolest rooms I've ever seen. My parents put a lot of work to make it awesome looking and got me a puppy. Brees is my BorderAussie and while my parents have him now since i'm at college, I love that dog more than I love a lot of people. I got a job as a Freshman baseball coach and it was here I found out that I still love baseball. I started emailing coaches and one was PRCC in Mississippi and sure enough they called 5 minutes after I sent the email. That is where my story is still moving forward. I picked up my board and I walked up that mountain and I will reach the top and find that beautiful girl. So If you like what you read, keep on reading!!! I will be adding one daily. Write a comment or just keep on coming.
Confession 1
Hey ya'll so to start this blog I just wanted to let you all in on my story. I was signed to the University of Oregon to play baseball. Growing up there were three things I couldn't live without: God, friends, and baseball. I lived for the feeling of having that baseball roll off your fingertips and thanked God everyday for it. Once I graduated the Ducks sent me to a summer team in Klamath Falls, Oregon. This town was so alive that the town hang out was Walmart. While playing there I struggled and got irritated with my coaches because of their lack of commitment. I threw a couple innings and racked up an era of 19. If you don't know much about baseball, that is horrific. I decided that I wanted to leave K-Falls and head back home to finish off my summer. Oregon got wind of that and gave me a call saying they didn't want me there anymore. I agreed and told them I wanted to join the military instead. My parents finally talked me into going to a school down the road called the College of Idaho. This is where I found out I'm crazy. One night in my dorm I randomly fell asleep. Now before the dream ya'll have to understand that I wasn't comfortable at the college. When I fell asleep I had a dream that would change my life. To begin the dream my mom told me that our local ski resort had just opened. Excited I grabbed my board and went up to the mountain. Although my mom had told a white lie because it was definitely closed. Although there were two girls there and I guess they got the same info that my mom got. I approached these girls and man were they gorgeous (this dream was not wet). I shook there hands and looked them in the eyes but one of the two had beautiful eyes. These eyes were read with flames going through them and I just dazed off in them. Once I took my eyes off her we decided to snowboard anyways. We got on the lift and on the way we went. When we reached the top they got off but I was stuck to the seat! I hit the bar to stop the lift but instead it dropped my chair and down the mountain I crashed. Rolling and Rolling hitting trees and anything else in the way but I did end up stopping at the bottom. I looked over Boise and instead I just saw a flood that engulfed the valley that I call home. So I did what any other teen age guy would do while meeting gorgeous girls... I picked up my board and I went up that mountain and met with them again. We spent the day having fun until the end of the most memorable nap I have ever had. I kissed the girl with the flaming eyes and while kissing her she pushed away and looking me square in the eyes and said your not taking this seriously. At the time I wasn't taking anything seriously. I wouldn't go to class and I would skip out on practices but I decided after this dream to see a councilor. She diagnosed me Bipolar and gave me some medication. One night about a month later I felt down and I took all the pills in the bottle trying to kill myself and it didn't but it did make me sick for two days. I went back after the two days to the same nurse and she said it was ok that it was a little attempt. This angered me and would lead to a year of frustration but if you enjoyed this read come back tomorrow to hear the rest of the story.
Hey ya'll so to start this blog I just wanted to let you all in on my story. I was signed to the University of Oregon to play baseball. Growing up there were three things I couldn't live without: God, friends, and baseball. I lived for the feeling of having that baseball roll off your fingertips and thanked God everyday for it. Once I graduated the Ducks sent me to a summer team in Klamath Falls, Oregon. This town was so alive that the town hang out was Walmart. While playing there I struggled and got irritated with my coaches because of their lack of commitment. I threw a couple innings and racked up an era of 19. If you don't know much about baseball, that is horrific. I decided that I wanted to leave K-Falls and head back home to finish off my summer. Oregon got wind of that and gave me a call saying they didn't want me there anymore. I agreed and told them I wanted to join the military instead. My parents finally talked me into going to a school down the road called the College of Idaho. This is where I found out I'm crazy. One night in my dorm I randomly fell asleep. Now before the dream ya'll have to understand that I wasn't comfortable at the college. When I fell asleep I had a dream that would change my life. To begin the dream my mom told me that our local ski resort had just opened. Excited I grabbed my board and went up to the mountain. Although my mom had told a white lie because it was definitely closed. Although there were two girls there and I guess they got the same info that my mom got. I approached these girls and man were they gorgeous (this dream was not wet). I shook there hands and looked them in the eyes but one of the two had beautiful eyes. These eyes were read with flames going through them and I just dazed off in them. Once I took my eyes off her we decided to snowboard anyways. We got on the lift and on the way we went. When we reached the top they got off but I was stuck to the seat! I hit the bar to stop the lift but instead it dropped my chair and down the mountain I crashed. Rolling and Rolling hitting trees and anything else in the way but I did end up stopping at the bottom. I looked over Boise and instead I just saw a flood that engulfed the valley that I call home. So I did what any other teen age guy would do while meeting gorgeous girls... I picked up my board and I went up that mountain and met with them again. We spent the day having fun until the end of the most memorable nap I have ever had. I kissed the girl with the flaming eyes and while kissing her she pushed away and looking me square in the eyes and said your not taking this seriously. At the time I wasn't taking anything seriously. I wouldn't go to class and I would skip out on practices but I decided after this dream to see a councilor. She diagnosed me Bipolar and gave me some medication. One night about a month later I felt down and I took all the pills in the bottle trying to kill myself and it didn't but it did make me sick for two days. I went back after the two days to the same nurse and she said it was ok that it was a little attempt. This angered me and would lead to a year of frustration but if you enjoyed this read come back tomorrow to hear the rest of the story.
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